Here are a few simple tips to begin to adopt a mindset that promotes resilience – the true builder of confidence that children will carry with them throughout all of life’s challenges.
Honor process. A self-dressed child with clothing on backwards is a victory not a mistake. Better to let your little one traipse around all day in backwards clothes wearing the glow of accomplishment, than to redo their effort in an attempt to correct them. In other words, it is the doing that builds confidence, not a perfect outcome.
Learn from failure. When your little one struggles or even fails, do not view them as a victim to be consoled. Instead, approach them with a happy attitude knowing they have the opportunity to learn from failure. Present the moment as a chance to try something new or even to learn how not to do something. Your tone, language and gestures can powerfully model a growth mindset. Try applying this attitude toward yourself and see how it changes your perspective. 🙂
Respect the effort. If you find it too hard not to intervene (for example, when your little one is trying to put on a shoe), remove yourself from the situation by saying, “You are really working hard. I have to grab something from the other room.” Do not include sentiments of, “you can do it” or even “great job” once they have completed the task. If you do, the task will have become an effort to please an adult and not a self gratifying triumph.
Provide opportunities for independence. One that we suggest involves getting dressed. Pick out five outfits with your little one on Sunday evening. Put these outfits in Ziploc baggies (or tote bags) within reach. Let your child choose a baggie each morning and dress themselves. In this way, you will set them up for success, reduce your morning chaos, and give them the tools to overcome one of the most stressful times of the day. Their takeaways are agency, creativity, a “grown up” feeling of managing their world, and an increased sense of confidence.
Why Play This Way?
It’s only natural for grownups to hate to see their children in any kind of discomfort. However, we believe that some discomfort can actually be a wonderful thing. In order to help children acquire a resilient mindset, it is important to trust that they will grow by grappling with challenges. There are many ways that you can step back at the first signs of struggle to embrace this growth mindset. Let children take risks, give them space for independence, and, yes, even let them fail. We know it’s hard. With time, you will learn to distinguish between “step back struggles” (aka let them solve it on their own), and “support struggles” (those where you need to step in). We believe in you – you’ve got this!
